What it means to serve...

Another week completed and one more to go before I get a much-anticipated week off from school.

Last week was good. I had imagined that I would have much more time to get things done because Alex is home in Oregon, but turns out, when you have evening commitments, combined with class from 9-5 everyday, there is not much time for getting ahead on homework. :)

Wednesday, I spent much of the day doing miscellaneous errands, such as buying food for my last Healer's Art class or going to a blood-draw visit for a vaccine study I am participating in. I also participated in a simulation study on laparoscopic surgery and tutored, before spending the entire evening in my Healer's Art class.

The laparoscopic surgery simulation was quite something. I had signed up for this study weeks beforehand, having received an email offering to teach participants some surgically related skills and feed them pizza. Thus, when I went to the simulation center in the med school on Wednesday, I had no idea what to expect. I was told that I needed to complete a simple task using laparoscopic tools, picking up rings from six pegs on the left with the tool in my non-dominant hand, transferring the ring to the tool in my dominant hand and dropping the ring on a peg on the right half of the board. I had to do that for each of the six rings on the left and then do the reverse. They videotaped me, timed me, and then sent me into a room where I received feedback from a surgeon. During the task, I was excited. I had never done this before, but I was up for the challenge, plus I am genuinely curious about surgery, so this felt like a good opportunity to try something related to the field. I felt like I did pretty good job executing the task. Therefore, I was quite surprised when I received feedback from the surgeon that I had performed among the lowest of my peers (first-year med students with no prior experience), he reminded me of the validity of this type of task and predicted surgical aptitude and he thought that knowing my low performance could be helpful in future decision-making.

I was stunned! Dumb-founded! I just stared at him with complete disbelief. After he spoke, I was relocated to the "break room" where the was deep-dish pizza and snacks. I was so so bummed. I had a half an hour to kill before I was supposed to do the task again and I was just thinking - "Why on earth did I volunteer for this study? I don't need this, I want to decide whether surgery is right for me on my own terms, not because of a task I completed as part of a simulation study." There were a few of my classmates in the same room, but we were not supposed to discuss the study. Long story short, I learned after completing the task again that the point of the study was to explore the impact of positive/negative feedback on subsequent performance. I was the kind of guinea pig they wanted - I completely bought their story! I was so relieved after the 'ruse' was revealed that I got tears in my eyes. The surgeon who had given me the feedback purposely sought me out to reassure me that I actually had done quite well, because, although I had been silent, he could tell that I was quite upset by the feedback I had received.

A complete emotional roller-coaster all in one hour's time. Crazy! It's a good story to tell now though.

My Healer's Art class Wednesday evening served as a wonderful ending to my otherwise busy and bemusing day. To close this incredible class series, we started with some scrumptious Mediterranean food (which I ordered from a great family run restaurant in Palo Alto - the owner actually recognized me when he dropped the food off, based on the 2 whole times I have come by his place, ordered hummus and pita, and sat outside to enjoy it - I was always given complimentary tea and falafel which was a treat). After our dinner, we immediately broke into our small groups and had a chance to share what this class has meant to us. One common theme: it reminded all of us how much depth each person that we interact with in passing has, there is so much to know about a person and we tend to overlook that depth and that richness even with those people we work with day after day after day. I felt a great connection to my small group members and I felt honored to have had the chance to get to know them better. I think the shared experience fostered by the Healer's Art class will be carried with all of us for a long time coming. We are already planning the reunion!

After small group time, we came back together - all 22+ of us - and we had time to contemplate what devoting your life to service through medicine really means, not only to the field, but to us individually. Our instructor spoke of us having a job that does not inform how we live, but instead allows us to express our highest values every day. The messages he reiterated about service and compassion and improving yourself through work that upholds those two values was an great inspiration. I felt uplifted by the energy in that room. Just being amidst such an amazing group of motivated, talented, and truly humble aspiring physicians was something I won't be able to replicate any time soon.

At the very end, we wrote statements of service and read them allowed, repeating our statement to let the words sink in, before the next person read theirs. Each person lit a small votive after sharing their words and placed the votive in the center of the room. The room was dark and a "talking candle" was passed from person to person, serving as the spark for each of our messages of service.

Mine was as follows:
Strengthen me to give to others with love and without pause, to listen not judge, and to care for all who seek my help as I would care for those most dear to me. Empower me to embrace the diversity I see in the people I meet and to stand as a fierce advocate for the underprivileged, no matter the obstacles. Enable me to nurture my role as a physician while also nurturing my role as a friend, partner, daughter, sister, mother, mentor and teacher. Remind me to resonate with the meaning in all that I do and live with no regrets.

It was a powerful evening to say the least. I noted other immensely moving things expressed by my classmates, many of which I connected with at my core. Other key things I took away were the concepts of living without self-consciousness and defining success in my own terms. I felt empowered and ready to tackle the next 5-10 years of training with gusto. :)

To top of the whole night, we had an ice cream party. Perfect!

The rest of my week couldn't really compare to that. Although I did have a lovely wine tasting date with my classmate Lindsey on Thursday evening, followed by a SWEAT orientation reunion dinner at a Palo Alto Thai restaurant called Thaiphoon. Delicious!

Friday was stormy here and I took advantage of that to try and get some work down on Friday night. Not the most exciting way to spend one's Friday evening, but boy was I productive!

Saturday morning I baked pumpkin-bran-coconut-walnut-millet-dark chocolate chip cookies and then went tailgating for the big Stanford-Oregon game. I met up with a bunch of my classmates there, handed out cookies, found out that I get to be the lead planner of next year's Stanford Med outdoor orientation (yipee!) and then watched Stanford play a game somewhat akin to football (still can't quite put my finger on it).

The game was a huge disappointment, the entire stadium seemed to grieve the poor performance of their undefeated team, although there was a large contingent of ducks fans who were living it up! I left the game early and went out for sushi and frozen yogurt with Liana and Megan.

Today was BUSY. I worked at the free clinic for the first half of the day, which was a phenomenal experience per usual. The clinic was swamped with patients (i.e. plenty of students to see the patients, but not enough physicians), so I only saw one patient, but again I was able to have a cross-cultural exchange with an older Chinese woman whose daughter accompanied her to translate Mandarin. The afternoon was all tutoring, then studying, and here I am - about to start another week and then launch myself northward.

The weeks continue to be rich, but full. I am anxiously anticipating next week, which will also be rich in a different way and I know that when 11/24 rolls around, I will certainly be full!!

T-6 days and counting!!!